By Shannon Carlin
From the moment Beyoncé teased the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie on her Instagram this past July with a stripped down take of her 2013 hit “Crazy In Love,” proving she could soundtrack whatever movie she wants, fans were revving up their engines for what would hopefully be the sexiest movie of 2015.
But, for those who had never read the erotic trilogy by E.L. James (me included) it was all about the soundtrack and who, along with Queen Bey, would be given the difficult task of making the film’s music as sexy as Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey’s bedroom encounters. Though, perhaps, everyone’s job got a little easier once it was announced the film would be given a very unremarkable R-rating.
Related: Here’s 10 Steamy Movies Sexier Than ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ for Valentine’s Day
But still, with a tracklist that includes everyone from the Rolling Stones and Frank Sinatra—both, mentioned in the book—to The Weeknd and Ellie Goulding, Beyoncé is in good company.
Just as there’s Fifty Shades of Grey, there’s even more shades of sexiness, so we here at Radio.com decided to take a closer look at the movie’s soundtrack to figure out who made the sexiest track of them all.
Curious?
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16. ‘Ana and Christian’ – Danny Elfman
This instrumental love theme doesn’t get at any of the raw passion Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey have for one another. Shame on Danny Elfman—a composer who is a pro at making Tim Burton’s out of the ordinary films sound just right—for making some sterilized run of the mill romantic music for this erotic film. We think turning this off, would be the first step to turning you on.
15. ‘I Know You’ – Skylar Grey
Skylar Grey may share a surname with the Fifty Shades of Grey protagonist, but she sure knows nothing about foreplay. She does however know how to ruin the mood by talking about our emotional baggage. If you really knew us Ms. Grey, you’d know this is the last thing we want to hear before we try to seduce someone.
14. ‘Undiscovered’ – Laura Welsh
Laura Welsh sounds a lot like a lovesick teenager singing about how she just can’t get next to you, which is cute and all, but it doesn’t really do anything for our libido—or we imagine Christian Grey’s, who might think this whole cry for monogamy is a little too vanilla for his singular taste.
13. ‘Salted Wound’ – Sia
This love pep talk is beautiful, but it doesn’t even come close to getting us in the mood. Though, we do imagine Christian Grey would find Sia‘s penchant for covering her face with paper bags, long blonde bangs or black veils very, very kinky.
12. ‘Did That Hurt?’ – Danny Elfman
With this instrumental track, Elfman does manage to get our heart racing from the provocative, but perhaps tongue in cheek title to the throbbing melody. However we can’t help but get some Batman Returns flashbacks when the twinkling piano comes in. Catwoman did have a fondness for whips though, so perhaps somewhere between Gotham and Seattle Christian Grey and Selina Kyle would have given E.L. James something to really write about. Meow!
11. ‘Where You Belong’ – The Weeknd
Since Fifty Shades is all about BDSM, we get why The Weeknd—real name, Abel Tesfaye—is using a slew of love is pain metaphors. But, all this “need to confine us” stalker talk and leaving marks to “show where we belong,” well, we’re just not that down with that. Nor, are we feeling that faux-Slash guitar solo at the end. These are all sins we’re just not willing to overlook. Sorry, not sorry, Abel.
10. ‘I’m On Fire’ – AWOLNATION
Bruce Springsteen‘s 1984 track has been covered by many, many artists over the years ranging from Kings of Leon to Bat For Lashes, but for AWOLNATION‘s version they went rather earnest with an acoustic guitar and pulsating electronic beat. The song is clearly very passionate, but what’s with all this talk of cooling down desires? We’re only looking to heat things up over here.
9. ‘Love Me Like You Do’ – Ellie Goulding
While Ellie Goulding definitely hits all the right notes, it’s all a little too saccharine sweet for us. It’s a lot like Anastasia Steele B.C.G.— that is “Before Christian Grey.” Seriously, we have trouble believing Ms. Goulding even knows what silver pleasure balls are.
8. ‘Witchcraft’ – Frank Sinatra
When it comes to sexy supernatural beings, witches are still pretty low on the totem pole. Probably for fear they’ll feed you a poisonous apple or turn you into a toad or something—warts are definitely not sexy. Perhaps if Ol’ Blue Eyes instead sang about the craft of vampires or werewolves we’d be feeling a lot more hot and bothered instead of just slightly damp. Still, lest we forget, Sinatra’s sly come hither stare certainly had its own supernatural charms back in the day.
7. ‘Meet Me In The Middle’ – Jessie Ware
Jessie Ware goes for D’Angelo levels of sexiness here in hopes to make the perfect slow jam for a night in—perhaps bound to the bed posts. But, while we don’t need the bass to totally drop, this one is a little too lazy for our sexual appetite. And not like lazy in a sexy I’m-lounging-around-in-bed-all-day-in-my-underwear way, but like lazy in a I’m-in-sweatpants-binging-on-Netflix-and-haven’t-taken-a-shower-in-24-hours kind of way. Totally different.
6. ‘Haunted (Michael Diamond Remix)’ – Beyoncé
Forgive us Bey, but we’re not drunk in love with this remix, which is a little more of an S&M club banger than a bed shaker. And when we’re gearing up to make love in the club, we always refer to the king of one-night club stands, Usher.
5. ‘One Last Night’ – Vaults
This very controlled track gets our heart racing with its soaring strings and cries of living every night to the fullest. Yes, we’d gladly spend one last night listening to this song doing whatever our heart desires—even dying in Christian Grey’s arms, whose cold heart couldn’t possibly resist this.
4. ‘I Put a Spell On You’ – Annie Lennox
Feminism is always sexy in our opinion, so Annie Lennox‘s female-driven take on this classic tune gets us in the mood. Ana only wishes she can cast a spell like Lennox did at this year’s GRAMMYs—no more I love you’s, just straight passion. But let’s be honest for a second here, it’s Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ manic take on this track that seems more up Christian Grey’s alley.
3. ‘Beast of Burden’ – The Rolling Stones
Maybe it’s the way the words just fall from those lips, but this subtly sexy classic makes us want to draw the curtains and call it a night. Mick Jagger is certainly rough enough for us without a Red Room of Pain, thank you very much.
2. ‘Earned It’ – The Weeknd
Hello, it’s the Weekend. Everything this guy does is sexy. So sexy in fact that Christian Grey may want to watch out, Abel Tesfaye may just steal Ana away from him. Seriously, have you seen this video? Holy crap! It’s definitely NSFW. It may even be too sexy to watch at home, it’s that sexy. But, it’s not all fun and sex games here, there’s a little sadness behind Abel’s deep brown eyes. A sadness we’d like to help him work through. Perhaps in some sort of swing apparatus. Yeah, we went there.
1. ‘Crazy In Love (2014 Remix)’ – Beyoncé
Someone ring the alarm because Queen Bey has reached an unsafe level of sexiness right here. Like a woman who’s gone on some sort of erotic bender, Bey can’t seem to be stopped–as if that wasn’t already clear from her heavy panting and moans of “ugh oh, no, no, no” that sound more like a consensual “yes, yes, yes.” From the looks of the movie’s recent press tour, the film’s stars, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, could definitely learn a few things about passion from this absolutely ***flawless remix. We want to wake up with this.
Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters this Friday, Feb. 13, while the movie’s soundtrack is out now.
